Gut Feeling

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, 'this is the last time I’m going to see this person' ? This hasn’t happen too many times in my life. I think the infrequency of this feeling means that it’s the right thing when it happens. It’s about listening to your own intuition and knowing what’s best for you. The only person who will truly have your back 100% of the time is yourself. It’s a part of growing up, knowing yourself better than anyone else. It’s caring for yourself in a way that is unselfish. Of course, it is a tad self-centered (there’s a difference), but you are the only one who is going to live life through your own lens. For some lucky people, their glasses are rose-colored. They can see the best in every scenario and not feel sorrowful when something comes to an end.

The last time I had the gut feeling that someone no longer felt like home was the last time I saw my ex boyfriend. This was not when we broke up, but a couple days before. I felt that I had endured so many emotional low-blows through the course of the relationship. I tried so hard to keep him happy.

He went through the motions of being a “good” boyfriend. He would send me a voice message every morning, call me before bed when we were apart, and kissed me in public. This did not cancel out when he would run away or yell at me when his life wasn’t going as he wanted. How could I complain? He did all the little things he was supposed to do to look good in my eyes. Maybe I’m looking back with a harsh state of mind. I just know that I still think about him everyday and he already has a new girlfriend who he’ll call to say goodnight when they're not together. But I digress.

I remember as he swiftly kissed me goodbye for the last time, I thought to myself, I’m going to cry the entire drive home. I got in my car and sat with this familiar and strange feeling. I drove away with a pit in my stomach and dry eyes. I couldn’t cry. You won't always know that it's right, but you'll always know you've had enough. I knew the end was near, but it wasn’t sad. I was proud of myself for recognizing that I was done. I was giving myself permission to let it go. I was saving myself.

“You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back, just like that.” Labyrinth by Taylor Swift

I don’t consider myself a particularly decisive person, but I do listen. Once home becomes unrecognizable, I leave and don’t look back. I really did love him and I cried a lot when it was finally over. Sometimes I think I still love him, but that’s just from the memories I still keep in my mind from time to time. Isn’t it strange to think that someone you shared so many intimacies with will never talk to you again? We all grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time. I know that I made the right decision, and I will never question that. I’m just not ready to let go of the heartbroken version of me just yet. Being able to publish this is a big step towards never talking about him again.

As for now, I am looking at the positives that this ending has given me. I wouldn't be writing as much, something I really love to do. I probably wouldn't have made this blog. I'm thankful for the experience and the lessons I've learned through this. I know that good things will come to those who listen to their intuition. To anyone who is feeling heartbroken, be patient with yourself. You and I will find our rose-colored glasses eventually.

"This time next year I’ll be living so good won’t remember your name, I swear." Normal Girl by SZA